


dreams and reality

by wegotjamsdude



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 19:48:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14776133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wegotjamsdude/pseuds/wegotjamsdude
Summary: Because Renjun was always there for Jeno, and never the other way around.





	dreams and reality

**Author's Note:**

> it's short....and sad ;-;

Renjun has been always there for Jeno. Yes, Renjun, who has the smile that could rival the sun, who has that laugh that sounds like music itself in Jeno’s ears, has been there for Jeno. Always been there. Never in his life, had Jeno never doubted his words. Everytime Renjun told him that everything’s gonna turn out fine, then Jeno knows that everything is fine. Everytime Renjun told him that Captain America was the coolest, even though he adores Iron Man a whole lot, Jeno could not help himself but agree to Renjun.

Because it was Renjun. And Jeno loves Renjun too much.

“Don’t stare too much, Jen,” he hears Donghyuck whisper beside him, “Renjun’s gonna melt soon.”

Jeno blinked.

Renjun had met his eyes, smiling at him like the sweet boy he always was. _Have I stared at him long enough?_ There’s a light tinge of pink dusting the other boy’s cheeks, probably because of the near-autumn breeze. His hair is a little disheveled by the wind, but that doesn’t make him any less pretty.

There’s a loud thudding that resonates around the chambers of Jeno’s heart, but he doesn’t let any of those sway him. He steps closer to the warm-looking Renjun, then pulls the other’s scarf to wrap it around his own neck, snickering, “It’s cold. I’ll take these.”

Renjun has always been there for Jeno, and Jeno hates it. He has fallen in love with Huang Renjun enough, he doesn't need to fall deeper.

* * *

 

Almost every night, Jeno thinks about Renjun. He dreams about Renjun smiling at him, he dreams about Renjun feeding him. Jeno dreams about how Renjun would dance oh so gracefully. He dreams about every little detail of that little puffball Huang Renjun. And all those dreams are his realities. Renjun doesn’t miss a day without beaming at Jeno, Renjun always lifts his chopsticks by Jeno’s mouth during lunch hours, and Renjun always danced beautifully in front of Jeno as if his grace was reserved for him and for him only.

But there will always be parts of our dreams where it will never be reality. Just like Jeno’s dreams of holding both sides of Renjun’s cheeks, all the while leaning into his lips.

Jeno jolts his eyes awake from that particular illusion called a dream. His eyelids are heavy from crying, and it’s only three hours into the new day. His windows are open and the wind has danced around the frills of his thin curtains, seeping into the room deeper to tickle Jeno’s skin. He shuddered, then cries himself to sleep for what felt like the hundredth time that week.

"I miss you." That was what it all take for Jeno to start bawling his eyes out again. He misses Renjun so, so badly. He’s so sick and tired of his fucked up reality. He wants to dwell on his dreams forever, on his Injunnie.

But then, everyone knows how thick the fine line between dreams and reality is.

Renjun was always there for Jeno, but it was never the vice versa.

* * *

 

Jeno blames himself. That very moment he sees Renjun's limp body cold on the bathtub, Jeno blames himself.

Maybe those sentimental people were right. The happiest people are always the ones with heavier burdens.

Renjun was always there when Jeno felt like crying his heart out, always there when he couldn’t control the stress that builds up inside and overwhelms him, always there when Jeno felt cold and alone on particular nights. But why can't Jeno be there for him when he needed it the most? When he wanted to end his life?

That way, he could’ve strained Renjun from doing it. He could’ve told the other how beautiful he was, he could’ve told the other how much he made Jeno’s heart go crazy at the slightest of his touches. If only Jeno was just minutes earlier in walking into the room, he would've told his Renjun how much he loves him. Then maybe he would have kissed Renjun all over again and again, then hug him so tight as they sleep pressed against each other, ignoring the soft threats of the cold night, ignoring the sharp teeth of death that seemed to eat them both whole. They would sleep through everything, realizing that it was just each other that they needed to go through the pounding realities of life.

He blames himself for being not enough for Renjun. He blames himself for being the reason why Renjun ended his life.

Because Renjun was always there for Jeno, and never the other way around.

 


End file.
